omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
