I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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