Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
