I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
