im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
