Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize