What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
