drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
