I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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