You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Are my feet made of real feet?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
