Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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