Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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