Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
