Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My dick has a subreddit
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
