I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
