True but thats because hes a fetus.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
