Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
