Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
