If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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