Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
