The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
