so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
