You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
