we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
