The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
