Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
as a side note pls kill me
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
