My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
