Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
