When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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