when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
