His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
