Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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