my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
