Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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