In the future we'll all be gay
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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