i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
