I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
