Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
