he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
