I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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