I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
