Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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