yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
