finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
