spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
