made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
