Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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