I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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