dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Is Oprah even human
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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