I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
